Please abide by the rules. (COVID-19)

Hello every one on my list

Well there’s no point explaining to you who I am you already know who I am and whats happened to me over the years. You may have read some of my work in the past or on my page and many of you I met through writing and when I was running the promotion page on here for books. Sure my grammar isn’t very good on this but I am trying to write what I think you should know in this open letter. First I want to say thank you to Pam and Charlotte as well as David and Paul who have all helped me over the past few weeks.

Any way I wanted to say a big THANK YOU and explain that I felt I needed to write this so every one has a good understanding on things. Yes I do like the odd conspiracy theory but I do not believe that this virus is a false flag operation or an effect of 5G masts. Sure some conspiracy theories over the years have mentioned things like cancer being caused by phone masts and smart meters which from what I know is possible. As many have said over the past few weeks in different groups and the fact 5G masts are being burned down is stupid. I know that with any new tech there’s always been the theories they will do harm, I remember reading in the NEXUS magazine many years ago about the ill effects of phone masts and smart meters. Personally I will keep my theories between me and my best friend who dare I say it is sceptical of my ideology. (prime example of misunderstanding about tech is the industrial revolution and how we reacted back then).

Another thing I want everyone on my list to know is yes I am ill I have COPD/Asthma and have to take daily inhalers at a very high dose and need to keep steroids in and antibiotics, antidepressants. Not that I want to be stuck inside all day every day now the nights are longer and the nice weather is here I find that I want to go for a walk and was doing that before the virus hit. I was also attending Pulmonary Rehabilitation at the Atrium and enjoying it a lot learning to work out safely building up my muscle strength and having a laugh with the team. Sure the physiotherapist can be a slave driver but I liked that and the fact she wasn’t scared to tell me off. I miss the voluntary work I was doing at CIAS and the people there..

I might have conditions that make me weaker in some ways but I am certainly not stupid or lazy like some people in Willenhall have said. Not to long ago I set up a walking group sure it didn’t take off but I made my first friends through it so will never forget that people like John have moved on but he showed me when we bumped into each other he is happy to stop and say hello. That was a good feeling to know some one would stop and talk to me in the streets.

I know I am supposed to be in 100 percent isolation for three months not seeing any ones face and not going out at all. But the truth is that’s very hard to do, we all crave and need human company even if it is a quick hello or a small conversation it helps our mental well being as well. But I have the choice I can either go out and really risk coming into contact with an idiot who has gone out and picked up the virus who then passes it to me so I end up in ICU. Or I abide by the rules put to me, so I have opted to abide to the rules and stay in lucky for me asda has made contact and I am priority for delivery. Which makes my life right now a little easier than it was before and I don’t need to ask people to do my shopping for me.

What I want to say to every one is stick to the rules, I know it feels like your in some sort of prison or you have been grounded.. I can even understand how the way some of the police are acting feels like we live in more of a police state trust me I know how many feel. But we have to stick together and help each other out, what if you go out and catch the virus but don’t show symptoms and you pass it to a loved one or your child? What happens then the youngest victim of this dreadful virus is five years old I am a parent myself and cant even begin to understand how the parents feel right now. This virus is very strange given the fact many might not display the signs I know Idris Elba is one of those who have it but not displaying symptoms of it..

I am stuck in a little flat, with my daughter miles from me along with my family and until recently had little to no contact with her. Yesterday she downloaded skype so I can see her and talk to her which helps to lift my mood given the fact I should be having her right now. I even saw my mom and step dad so that was good it helps a lot and keeps me going in one way. Even a quick inbox helps and keeping in my head this will blow over one day and I will be out walking about if not this summer but next.

Please just remember this has already killed thousands of people world wide, some might have to work with in situations/environments where they are more prone to getting the infection. Thank you to all the key workers, thank you to all the doctors, nurses, pharmacists, shop workers, every single volunteer and food banks, police who are trying to keep everyone safe. Just think is what you want to do worth the risk? Do you have any one at home who has or had cancer their immunity to any virus is weak please don’t risk it, Do you have any one who is old? Again this virus as with the flu could be deadly. Do you have relatives who have transplanted organs hence on immune-suppressants which knock out the immunity? This virus like all other virus’s can kill them. Is there any one with severe respiratory conditions? Again it can kill them!!

I do understand to many this feels like some sort of dystopian society, but the governments have assured us it would be over eventually. It can get worse if people do not tow the line and behave they can ban exercise that people are allowed and confine you all to your flat. That is something I wouldn’t like for any one trust me being stuck in is not a pleasant experience especially when you’re on your own.

Why would you risk the lives of your family and friends for a bbq or a party? If you have children you are risking them for what reason? A five year old died due to it with no under lying health conditions, a 16 year old has died due to covid-19 again she was healthy. Who knows it could be your child or mom/ dad, aunt uncle, brother sister, or you I understand you want fun you want to enjoy your youth or the nice weather but is the risk worth it? But be wise about it if you come down with it and get rushed into hospital they might not be the ventilators required to help you breath, the doctors might have to turn you away not because they want to but there’s no other option. Hospitals world wide are fully booked up to the max and beyond. Every one the council and emergency services are working full pelt to keep us safe. Every parent wants to be their child’s hero well this is your chance to be just that by showing them how to act in a crisis like this.

Rest in Peace Aimee a hero, a nurse who contracted COVID-19 while she was working trying to save someones life. She will never be forgotten by any of her school friends and work colleagues . Please to all on my list stay in and stay safe.

Thank you to all the key workers for everything you do.

The time is always right to do what is right!!!!

God bless you all.

Where am I now (Personal 6)

Hello,

First thing I would like to say thank you for all the support through likes and follows I have received. I figured it had been a while since I did a where am I now article. As those who have kept up to speed with my poems and articles would know I have suffered a period of ill health. From being diagnosed with chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder and a worsening in my mental health. Since then, I have been inactive other than writing the books; I am hoping to release next year, identifying the editor and various promotional services I wish to use. Yes, I released something a few years back, and I have learnt from the mistakes I have made.

My forthcoming work is a chapbook of poetry which I am hoping to release in the next few weeks I am also working on a short story again I hope to release them soon. Now the colder weather is here my chest seems to play up more and I seem to stay in more. Watching television programs on Nicholai Tesla, a man I find amazing person who could have changed many aspects of the world today. What I find strange is that most of the paperwork on Tesla’s papers is TRUMP I don’t mean Donald but his relatives who seemed to lock the information away. Even I heard when I was a kid the old story of the man who claimed to have a way to provide free natural energy to everyone.

I’m also writing the novels every day, but finances means I have to save to get them published first, which would take a few months to get that together. I have set up many accounts with my bank to save for various objectives. Billin, save for books, holiday and fixed account. I might be rich when I die but at least I should be better off than I am now and never given up on things even if I might be slow or take breaks while I get back on track with my health.

As for the police investigation I know that my witness have given her statement but I have not heard an update from the police which is something which I find annoying. But I will let them do what they need to and just think the old way of no news is good news if I’ve not heard anything then they must still work on the case. Surely if it had gone to the CPS, then I would have heard something by now. So life goes on and I’m so far from giving up life itself might be a struggle but so is everyone and when someone asked me you’ve not given up anyone else would I usually turn round and tell them I could walk outside and get run over so why stop life but the thing I can’t beat is my anxieties which stops me from going to people’s properties to talk to my neighbours or mixing with people in groups. I deal with this through Skype with a friend of mine in America and by writing. Someone I know once called my writing my base it is something I return to time and time again. And writing I have been planning to restart or update my clothing range is on a few sites which I never promoted properly.

Well we are one month away from the closing of one year and the opening of another one that will be better I hope no im determined it will be better than this year. Every time I write and every time I save money, even I know this sounds stupid but every time I have something to eat or do the basics in my life it is a kick in the teeth to my ex.

Open letter from a dark place

I become ill recently with my mental health not seeing the future not seeing things other than the past I have I’ve been running knives up and down my arms I’m not someone who just cuts on worse times. I’m in a state of flux right now my mood is rock bottom I can’t see anything for me I got one child who I love dearly she’s the reason i’m fighting so hard but I’m just so tired now. Even though things improved for me over the last few months because a method of powering on not dealing with stuff just picking up with things to the best of my ability smile on my face no one knew I was so bad people call me an inspiration but while inside I hid my true feelings from everyone including my family plus the people I know.

I’ve been treading water so to speak for months my head went under a few times in the past month no one knows because I don’t talk bout it. I’m not able to see the future for myself plus my child would be better without me. People tell me its normal to depressed with the COPD – Asthma plus going through the abuse and stuff I went through with my ex one day they will permit me to go into detail until the investigation is over I don’t have the right. So I kept silent over it to people the police told me I couldn’t discuss it with people didn’t even seek counselling but I told the refuge workers stuff id declared to the police. But still I remained silent if I told people then it was a case of telling those who kept it in confidential confines. My family still don’t know half of what I went through, but they will if it goes to court.

Between nightmares of what happened, nightmares of what he will do if he finds me & constant fear, hearing people talking bout me, hearing people tell me i’m hated within a church & the community but when I confront them their not plus voices, I don’t recognise as being people who live by me. voices telling me i’m stupid, worthless, many other things the thought people would be better without me. Plan after a plan of how I should die when I will do it even my funeral or rather cremation who should do the service. Good-bye letter to my fourteen-year-old daughter.

I need help to recover from the hell I left in 2018. So I took myself off to the doctors yesterday needing help of some sort to get myself sorted I have been treading water for so long i’m just tired so tired i’m exhausted. It’s often the case that some will arrange their affairs before doing it but some it is impulsive, I’ve heard stories from people I met especially an old friend of mine who ran a successful business he told me before his suicide attempt he organised his business affairs, visited each family member, talked to every doc he could, tied up loose ends, told his business partner he moved that his friend could now have solve control of the firm.

Put money into his kids’ accounts for university. When you’re depressed you know yourself, something isn’t right you can’t see anything but darkness no future no exit but perhaps you can see the past. Even if you’re not the one seeing the effects of depression, you push people from you somehow trying to protect them from being hurt but in the long run you’re hurting them more.

People tell me suicide is for cowards I’m not one of those so I fight I might lose the fight but perhaps this will help you understand stuff. I have fought various health problems since I was 9 months old from breathing problems through to hearing, psychological issues plus mental health I had a rough time in school to the point I pulled knives on the bullies first breakdown was in high school.

I’ve seen psychologists and psychiatrists over the years, CPNs. Mental health social workers. Got off the meds then from the docs and everything else just like I did when I was younger by pushing stuff down not dealing with it than moving on with life working every day to make it better for me only to get to some point I can’t keep treading water. I can hear it now you have a child how can you think bout dying or killing yourself it’s not the case I don’t love her I do it’s because I too tired to fight my internal demon plus the external demon.

Suicide is not always an impulsive act I know I have done that before I’ve tried to kill myself frequently since I was 14 I’m now 40 I started to see when it is time to get help time to reach out to the doctors. I couldn’t see what the triggers were when I was younger but now I do perhaps better than others when I reach for the blade to run it along my arm or to make the cut, I give up things I enjoy such as voluntary work.

That’s when I think of perhaps my tiredness and emotional flatness is something more than normal bad day case. It’s when I sit and plan how do I kill myself? What’s my funeral like? I’m a fighter and everyone told me how inspirational I am and how well I am doing so I had to tell them yesterday i’m not doing so well I want to die.

I can’t fight this any longer I cannot keep treading the water like I used to I’m tired burnt out in every sense of the word. But knew there was one thing I had not tried, and that was reaching for help, having been under doctors and psych’s for years they are usually my last resort I don’t like the medication and then again I don’t enjoy talking to people about emotions when I barely recognise them myself.

I know i’m not the only mental health suffered who doesn’t recognise emotions and how they feel. So I talked to the doctor about my health explained what happened and how I feel he booked for me to see him there and then. for yesterday evening. At the appointment we discussed things in more details and figured that it’s because I bottled it up and everything is seeping out slowly so he put me back on anti depressants and made a referral to the crisis team.

They phoned me not long after and assessed me gave me the number and told me I should contact other organisations. mind and women’s aid as the CT like the doctor and I agreed it could be issues from the abusive controlling relationship I was in for 20 years. but we still need to give the medication time to build in my system. To my mother last night I don’t enjoy feeling like this I can’t see anything for me but even mom said I got a lot to live for yet.

So here I am clinging to life by a thread but in some ways i’m still a thousand times better off than I was with my ex. even if I can’t see that right now perhaps one day I will realise again just how life can be. As they said we need to see if the medication works and work on the other aspects that can cause it but if I need them, then they will be there on the end of the phone to talk to me. Having been under mental health services since a teenager, I can work out how to distract myself with distraction techniques and I know that eating can improve your mood and so can have showers. Those I have told have said to me they did not understand they thought I was doing well and life was on track if you don’t talk about it then they won’t know as it’s easy to put a mask on and force yourself to do things that people who don’t have a mental illness can do without trouble. for you it takes greater effort.

But you can do it’s possible and you just have to slow down take each day as a new day and build on it from there. do something different every day even if it is just go for a walk, play a computer game, listen to music (just don’t listen to the smiths I find them to depressing). Do some house work, find something you used to enjoy, and do that you might rediscover a love for it.

By putting into practice stuff I learnt in the 1990s to 2017, I have some valuable tools from distraction techniques through to self care which I can try to help. I know my main issue is i’m so damn tired of being strong or acting tough; it surprised me when I told people how I felt at their reactions and the amount of people who made contact to tell me i’m awesome and inspiration. When I thought they would turn their backs and think i’m crazy they have offered to come and see me, offered to phone me or text to make sure i’m O K.

My mother told me yesterday we’ve been there don’t want to go back to that just get all the help you can and get yourself through this.

If you’re going through this, I would ask you now to get in touch with the medics and ask for help. You know they hand nothing to you unless you ask for it and you might have to fight for the help. You might have to scream and shout even sometimes throw a tantrum till get what you need. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s stupid to feel the way you never think your stupid for feeling this way.

I learnt how to push things to one side the only thing is I’ve not learnt how to do it one hundred percent of the time I always get tired and drained of energy as if something’s sucking the life out of me and eventually find I’ve got no energy left to fight. But there’s help there, and that’s what I will reach for the medics are on my side and so is the housing, the crisis team is as well and hopefully so will mind and women’s aid be on my side. Acquaintances and friends are on my side so I know I have people to turn to when I need them.

if you know someone who is at this stage try to talk to them tell them its okay to feel this low and there is hope and help out there. It’s not a one way street or even tunnel in some cases either i see this as an ocean and I have to tread water or I see it as a wood I need to find my way out of, But other people may see it as a tunnel or a pit. Different people explain it different.

Where I am now (personal #5)

Thank you for liking the last post, Wednesday I got my benefits and went to the hospital for the chest x-ray the results of which will be through in 3 – 5 days with the gp. Yesterday (Friday 6th) on the off chance they were back early I phone the doctors, so I got the results my chest is clear of anything more serious, there’re no signs of chest infections or heart problems no signs of pulmonary fibrosis it was clear.

That made me happy to hear the chest was clear but back to reality I still have COPD-Asthma that’s ok I got my head around that fact and started to learn about the condition of COPD. I know the prognosis from what I read of COPD-Asthma is poor considering the one for COPD but I don’t have time to dwell on the possibles. I could be dead in five, ten, fifteen, twenty or even forty years. I’m aiming on seeing some of my dreams come true and to collect my pension, my daughter pass her exams even being a grandparent before I die. Every one tells me your young to have this condition your only 40 which means the signs would have been there two years if not longer so before my great escape from the toxic relationship.

wednesday my diet changed for good I went from completely dairy products to natural plant based alternatives hemp milk, rice and coconut milk, almond milk, oat milk then I bought more fruit than I have ever before, low fat and some dairy free yogurts, cheese and salad stuff, muesli and a bag of mixed nuts and lots of flavoured water. I know I need to lose weight which would help with my breathing I think im trying to boost my system the only ways I know. I know little about this condition now I now it is this COPD they will refer me to somewhere, that could help me with a diet better than I can help myself.

When I got home and was talking to one of my friends about it a neighbours mom walked past me and told me straight “you’ve not got that you’re just lazy!”. I wish that was the case sometimes it takes everything out of me just to breathe but life goes on so I do courses and voluntary work to give myself a good reputation with in work.

I tried going to the community centre but because of lack of funds there’s not much point, I was part of a local volunteers group but then found voluntary work on a Friday. Now I have voluntary work on Tuesdays and Fridays so im more trying to get active within the community. As I have tried to sort out my diet buying in the healthy food and signing up to Halland and Barratt Where I brought some of my produce. I then researched a support group which there’s one on a Friday afternoon from 2 -4pm which I think is important for me to attend so I will drop a shift at the CIAS office but something like this means I can see how others live with it and pick up tips. And now I’m not on my own who knows there might be people my age there it is a chance to meet and learn about the condition. Which I think is important for me to do given the fact it’s something I will have to learn to live with.

This condition COPD is limiting the walking I do. Even doing house work I am out of breath, I opt to go to the shop next door not because im lazy but because it is easier for me to walk this. I think my next step once im settled on the diet I have set myself is to start a daily walk to the library is about 10 to 15 minutes from here sit on the bench and walk back. I could even walk down there to get the bus into town and push myself that little extra again instead of going for the easy option of the bus directly outside my block of flats. As I told a friend of mine it is my health, I can’t fuck around with it every little positive step I make to improving my life and changes the way things go so that little further distance will help. For the record I do not smoke this was caused by 20 years passive smoking. I’ve not given up on my writing .

When I told mum bout, my health even she told me “your healths crap” id never heard her talk that way usually she’s telling me off for saying stuff like that so I was trying to find a politically correct non swear word to tell her she makes me laugh by telling me straight. But Ive not told her it’s something that might kill me if it’s not got a grip of it is treatable but not curable. But I think I will live for a long time not going to let it beat me I’m made of tougher stuff than that, little life-style changes here and there I will be on track. Besides, there’s too much for me to do in life too many plans for me to make happen too much of the world I am yet to see before I go to the eternal sleep

.thank you for reading.

COPD