Not a perfect view

She was the most beautiful girl in school
no one dared to think she had any problems
“look at her not a care in the world” they would say
but little did they know the troubles she faced
the demons she hid behind the mask every day.
How she wished she could open up to someone
but no one would believe her that her world is not perfect.

Eternal darkness

The eternal darkness seems to engulf me
in the forest where howling hell hounds lurks
on the stormy wintry night my visions become blurred
while i run through the woodlands desperately trying to get out
even twist and turn leads me down the path of destruction
on the night of my destination and ultimate demise

Turning of the seasons

As summer turns to autumn I feel blessed even in my time of darkness
I am breathing and therefore alive as I feel the wind on my face
As I stand here listening to the wind and the rain outside I cant help but to smile
With the clashing of the thunder I am the wealthiest person alive I am happy,
as the child’s laughter ignites some deep hidden part of me raising a smile
I declare I am the happiest person alive A new born baby’s cries reminds me how lucky we are and the summer turns to Autumn I’m reminded the natural order and how everything changes is natures way.
With the turning of seasons comes its own joys and fun for both old and young
the children trick or treating while the adult enjoy the Halloween parties,
All enjoying themselves before the bleak winter months are upon us,
as new excitement overcomes the land when we look to Christmas
a time of giving and celebrating makes me realise how lucky I am to be alive
with Christmas dinner on the table and presents around the tree surrounded by my family.

With each turn of the season I can’t help but to smile,
I am richer than many of the rich for money wont bring the one thing we all crave,
The one thing money can not buy the special thing we need to feel complete happiness,
As the plnts begin to grow I’m reminded of the natural order of rebirth and feel safe.

Where I am now (personal #5)

Thank you for liking the last post, Wednesday I got my benefits and went to the hospital for the chest x-ray the results of which will be through in 3 – 5 days with the gp. Yesterday (Friday 6th) on the off chance they were back early I phone the doctors, so I got the results my chest is clear of anything more serious, there’re no signs of chest infections or heart problems no signs of pulmonary fibrosis it was clear.

That made me happy to hear the chest was clear but back to reality I still have COPD-Asthma that’s ok I got my head around that fact and started to learn about the condition of COPD. I know the prognosis from what I read of COPD-Asthma is poor considering the one for COPD but I don’t have time to dwell on the possibles. I could be dead in five, ten, fifteen, twenty or even forty years. I’m aiming on seeing some of my dreams come true and to collect my pension, my daughter pass her exams even being a grandparent before I die. Every one tells me your young to have this condition your only 40 which means the signs would have been there two years if not longer so before my great escape from the toxic relationship.

wednesday my diet changed for good I went from completely dairy products to natural plant based alternatives hemp milk, rice and coconut milk, almond milk, oat milk then I bought more fruit than I have ever before, low fat and some dairy free yogurts, cheese and salad stuff, muesli and a bag of mixed nuts and lots of flavoured water. I know I need to lose weight which would help with my breathing I think im trying to boost my system the only ways I know. I know little about this condition now I now it is this COPD they will refer me to somewhere, that could help me with a diet better than I can help myself.

When I got home and was talking to one of my friends about it a neighbours mom walked past me and told me straight “you’ve not got that you’re just lazy!”. I wish that was the case sometimes it takes everything out of me just to breathe but life goes on so I do courses and voluntary work to give myself a good reputation with in work.

I tried going to the community centre but because of lack of funds there’s not much point, I was part of a local volunteers group but then found voluntary work on a Friday. Now I have voluntary work on Tuesdays and Fridays so im more trying to get active within the community. As I have tried to sort out my diet buying in the healthy food and signing up to Halland and Barratt Where I brought some of my produce. I then researched a support group which there’s one on a Friday afternoon from 2 -4pm which I think is important for me to attend so I will drop a shift at the CIAS office but something like this means I can see how others live with it and pick up tips. And now I’m not on my own who knows there might be people my age there it is a chance to meet and learn about the condition. Which I think is important for me to do given the fact it’s something I will have to learn to live with.

This condition COPD is limiting the walking I do. Even doing house work I am out of breath, I opt to go to the shop next door not because im lazy but because it is easier for me to walk this. I think my next step once im settled on the diet I have set myself is to start a daily walk to the library is about 10 to 15 minutes from here sit on the bench and walk back. I could even walk down there to get the bus into town and push myself that little extra again instead of going for the easy option of the bus directly outside my block of flats. As I told a friend of mine it is my health, I can’t fuck around with it every little positive step I make to improving my life and changes the way things go so that little further distance will help. For the record I do not smoke this was caused by 20 years passive smoking. I’ve not given up on my writing .

When I told mum bout, my health even she told me “your healths crap” id never heard her talk that way usually she’s telling me off for saying stuff like that so I was trying to find a politically correct non swear word to tell her she makes me laugh by telling me straight. But Ive not told her it’s something that might kill me if it’s not got a grip of it is treatable but not curable. But I think I will live for a long time not going to let it beat me I’m made of tougher stuff than that, little life-style changes here and there I will be on track. Besides, there’s too much for me to do in life too many plans for me to make happen too much of the world I am yet to see before I go to the eternal sleep

.thank you for reading.

COPD

Life & Writing (Personal #4)

Well, my last piece seemed to be something that stirred the pot thanks for the likes on that post I am trying to work my way out of the rut and into my good books trust me it is always hard to please yourself when you have a task at hand. You are the hardest one to impress ad if you have children then so are they. It’s never something that’s done overnight and something achieved. Many years ago I wanted to form my company as a sideline from the writing selling different items from tarot cards through to books the one thing I find lets me down from doing that now is the fact I don’t have the money. These last twenty years I have seen the ecommerce section blossom but the main brick and mortar business’s have folded I find this is a shame I think everyone enjoys going to a shop and looking at the goods.

Have you ever been to a furniture shop and put your hand on the sofa? to check the quality of the merchandise before buying it? ever walked into a clothes shop and tried the merch on for yourselves? think about how the clothes and furniture felt that is something you would never get from an ecommerce computers might give a virtual sense of what something would look like but they can’t tell you if something comfortable or not or if you feel the way you want to feel in an item of clothing or if you’re comfortable on say a sofa. Only by trying it on will it ever let you know what you may think or even feel about a certain object.

I can sit and write out a chapbook of poetry with in a matter of hours fifty poems free verse when I get the right frame of mind. Inspiration is everywhere around us from television and films to music down to the woods and trees, the animals the freedom you sense when being released from something like I went through, just walking in the streets can help bring some inspiration into someone’s life. I’m fed up of being let down and hurt by people who call themselves friends but always hold motives of their own. I just need to focus and refocus on what I wanted to do many years ago I mean I hit rock bottom and the only way is up I can not drop any lower than I had before. Let’s face it I won’t walk out to an interview and get the first job I go for I’ve been out of it for twenty years but I will always have the voluntary work.

I did the breathing test yesterday a few slow breaths into the device and some fast ones turns out I have (COPD) chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder overlapping severe asthma. I kind of expected the COPD but not the double wham-my of both. Now I’m left thinking what do I do about it?

So last night I took to research everything I could about the condition while I am to go for a chest x-ray in the morning at the local hospital. If I can afford it, I will stop to have something to eat and bring something back for me to have for lunch as I’m now from what I read going to change everything about my life eating habits and exercise. The nurse has requested the x-ray so we can rule everything out so it is just this one issue we hope. She is also referring me to a local rehabilitation centre for treatment and assessment. It’s one hell of a lasting reminder of my time with my ex but still I won’t let it beat me and will continue doing what I need to get my life back on track. I don’t mind saying that I am scared I’ve heard how debilitating and how much of a death sentence this condition can be.

But I also know that it can they can treat it and managed not cured but life goes on I am walking and talking therefore I shall fight on.

Work, Life & Education (Personal #3)

Many years ago I trained in administration things was good and it was a role which I enjoyed. Cias or Coventry Independent advice service is a good company to be with and they do a lot of good work. It is very much like the Citizens Advice Bureau but they seem to focus more on benefits than anything else. If they can’t help, then they will refer clients to another organisation. I know that I still have to do the phones which I did once and seemed to go ok with that then but recently lost my confidence and I seemed to freeze up when the phones ring even at home.

But that’s okay seems like something I can do but the rest of the office work is fine. Recently I put on advice pro the proper version and creating the letters. This is a far cry from what I used to over 20 years ago its simple clicks of the button and fill in a few details and my letter’s done. Whereas I wrote 20 years ago or put it on a dicta phone and then write the letter. Is this advice pro system industry wide now?

I moved here for a new start I know what the end aim for me is and tell you the truth I don’t care what employment I have to get my foot on the ladder.

I could clean toilets I wouldn’t be happy but hey it’s a job and pays the bills but that would not be my end aim but I would have my foot on the ladder to work. once the door is open, then I know I can move up the ladder and do what I want it, the main thing is getting into the position Where I can do this. when I was younger the whole object of a cv was to list the work you have done and the positions you have held and sell yourself to an employer? This is now still the case but you have to put up your skills so when you look at the jobs you have done and the training you have done then need to work out the basic yet essential skills you got and your can’t list them all. My difficulty is narrowing it all down to just the few essentials which might make you stand out.

So for me someone who has experience in marketing and business administration skills, handling money, dealing with debts, negotiations with various firms because of debts and different aspects of the benefit system. And talking to M. Ps (members of parliament), Lawyers and various officials for various reasons. Even though I was in that situation for twenty years if I think about it I came out stronger, determined and more resilient than I went in before all skills we use in our everyday working lives but stuff we can’t put down on a Curriculum Vitae or Resume. Now writing this blog gives me skills that might come in handy with in a business environment from proofreading through to editing, blog promotion is marketing and research, there are many factors now.

But will they will need these in an office environment? Then you have the fact I’m limited because of stupid governmental rules on benefits anyone claims the benefit I have received can only partake in any job search activity for 16 hours per week. Anything over that and you lose benefit in fact they take it from you so even if I was to find a part-time voluntary position then I can not do any other job search or attend any programs like the one I am on. But if I am to find a part-time job paid job for 16 hours, then I can earn up to 150.00 nothing more but still no further job hunts as im still on the same benefits. Surely they should support people into work and not restricting their chances. Universal credit is in the city im living in but only for those who are not sick and disabled, universal credit gives you the ability to partake in job hunting for 35 hours a week and giving you more money to live on that what I receive every two weeks.

I know it is because im sick that I get this money and yes it is taxed, but have to thank every taxpayer in the united kingdom for helping me. You see sometimes people on benefit get a bad name or reputation from others you see in the street not everyone is a drug addict or an alcoholic. Not everyone has a dirty house or wastes money gambling. I get 128 every two weeks from this I have to pay bills and food sometimes i don’t have food but having used the food bank twice im trying not to use it again. Once i have made sure I have money for bills and food, I ensure I have money for transport and if I have a little left; I donate this to charity I have found an American charity i used to donate to sometime ago. even if it is $2.00 then it is something. It’s something that makes me feel better about who I am and where my life has gone, I remember being a little kid and looking into stocks and shares and how I could sponsor children in other countries not once did i think it would turn out as it has.

I was in with my connect me worker a few days ago this is a lady who works for an organisation designed to help people back into work. She told me not to do anything that makes people think im a victim because to her im not im out there regaining control of my life, proving im a survivor and not a victim. Talking about survivors I recently watched season 3 of 13 reasons I don’t know if you have seen it but it is one hell of a powerful show. A show with many good actors and actresses play very difficult characters and one which even at the end i was saying im a survivor because I am and the help is there if wanted. Im kind of the person who goes yeah I’ve been through hell ad back but heck life goes on and just ploughs ahead until i collapse. Life is for the living and i can rest when im dead joining the biggest sleep over ever.

Anyway, I have recently increased my working hours to one full day (6 hours) on the Friday and one morning (2hours 30 mins) at the drop in over the other side of the city. I am also looking at the possibility of working another side of the city for 2 hours and 30 in the drop in. Hopefully this would be enough to not only clock up the experience but also get a reference. I have done a Curriculum vitae known in America as a resume but I have tried to cut out all the jobs before the year 2000 because of the connections they bore to my old home town. This city is a city of sanctuary and new starts for me that’s the reason I will write none of my books under my real name. In fact I have often toyed with the legally changing my name but once you realise that your birth name will always be on record there’s not much point.

List of current certificate

IHASCO

GDPR

Health & safety basics and essentials

Open Learn – Open university
Open learn is a free site by open university

An introduction to business cultures (Introductory level Business Strategy & Studies course)

Different types of Business (Introductory level Business Strategy & Studies course)

Business organisations and their environments : Culture (Intermediate level Business Strategy & Studies course)

Introducing Corporate Finance (Introductory level Social Care & Social Work course)

Building relationships with Donors (Advanced level Business Strategy & Studies course)

Managing my Money (Introductory level Money & Business course)

You and your money (Introductory level Personal Finance course)

Introduction to child psychology (Introductory level Childhood & Youth course)

Starting with Psychology (Introductory level Psychology course)

Emotions and Emotional wellbeing (Intermediate level Health course)

Forensic Psychology (Introductory level Health, Sports & Psychology course)

Homelessness and need (Intermediate level Social Care & Social Work course)

Introduction to Social work (Introductory level Social Care & Social Work course)

English Grammar in context (Advanced level Education course)

School business manager : Developing the role (Introductory level Education & Development course)

The use of force in international law (Advanced level Society, Politics & Law course)

Using voluntary work to get ahead in the job market (Introductory level Human Resources course)

work and mental health (Intermediate level Health course)

the role of diagnosis in counselling and psychotherapy (Introductory level Sociology course

social marketing (Advanced level Business Strategy & Studies course)

introduction to book-keeping (Introductory level Money & Business course)

Accenture
Digital skills Digital Marketing
Digital skills Social Media

Blogging, Writing & Spirometer, (personal #2)

Hey,

I decided it’s time to come back or at least attempt to come back I know I have been away for a while but life away from the blog has become busy. I am now looking into finding paid worker after 20 years of being out of the work this is healthy permitting. The doctors and asthma nurse are talking about referring me to the hospital as my asthma is severely uncontrolled. I knew for a while my breathing had been bad but yesterday when I took a few steps from the scale to the chair I found I was out of breath. This was a shock to me as I live in a block of flats so have to take the stairs regularly and have to walk everywhere unless I am going into town then its public transport.

Perhaps moving to the city and a rich one will do me some good, in two week’s time im doing a spirometer, SpirometryI believe that’s what it’s called. It’s a graphic record of respiratory movements traced on a revolving drum according to the mirriam-webster medical dictionary. It is something which fills me with dread in some ways just in case it shows how bad my chest is but in others I know that I can then move on and perhaps find a new way to improve my breathing once this they do this then it’s a referral to the hospital. I think the last time I got referred to the hospital it was back in the 90s after having a major asthma attack.

Other than this I focused my attention on rebuilding the life I have left so I started to do free courses on Open Learn for those of you who don’t know these are by the open university. These are short courses they will give some lasting two hours others a few weeks at the end of the courses ever throughout your tests upon the subject and at the end a statement of participation to prove you have done the course. I can’t afford to go to university and so this is the only way I can get some qualification which at the end might give me a chance to get back into the work environment. I hold several certificates and while I feel proud of myself for achieving these; I know that some employers will say that they are not worth the paper I have printed them on. So I’m looking for a position such as an apprentice in an office-based environment such as an administrator or receptionist but a position with training.

I volunteer with a charity in such position and it felt good to be back in the office again after 20 years of being out of the work and stuck in. Sure I still have many issues to over come left from my time in the relationship but life is picking up. I can now focus on doing what I should have done 20 years ago and in an area where I don’t know many people there’s not much to worry about. Everything I put out on my blog has to go through an edit on pro writer before I put it up on my blog. Just like the books I am working on will have to go through a general basic edit with me and I might ask a teacher friend to go through it. then run it through a professional edit I know mainly the firm I would like to used to publish my books but often think if I should use Fiverr to edit my work and format it so I can sell it through LULU sold and how much do you really need to edit poetry?

Some people I have asked this to have told me not to edit it others have told me just once through on pro write if you edit poetry too much it distracts from the power and emotion of the poet which poetry and stories infused with. But one thing I do not want to say is that I am writing and publishing without people knowing which I have done before none of those books are up on the sites anymore when I moved it is a fresh start doesn’t mean I have to give up on my dreams. Someone once told me never to stop writing because to them I was good at it and it was what I enjoyed doing then he told me that to give up would let my ex win.

Legally im not allowed to mention what he did till the case has finished being investigated but that’s why I am writing a book based on it. One day published and put out for everyone to read names and places changed because of legalities of writing such a book and the fact that enjoy changing my name I do not wish to have my locations given out to the wrong people. But someone has told me frequently that my story would help others. One person told me I had ticked every box in the information she had and asked how I survived the simple answer was I almost didn’t but that was then and I opt not to think about it much obviously I now have health issues because of the abuse I went through. no matter what happens life goes on now it’s my turn not to look for love but do what my original plan was to get a job and work through investments and get my work published. Sure I might be twenty years behind schedule but I have learnt to cherish every moment I am given and know after what has happened I can focus on building something that I will leave for my child.

Even though I have a selection of short stories and novellas and novels planned and being wrote as I type this poetry books are planning in the back of my mind. I guess this would be a good way of bringing in a little money before I finish the main novels. As I tell people I am a work in progress discovering new foods or things, I’ve not had in years because he wouldn’t let me. The power of having people who believe in you is really a brilliant thing to have because it helps you build who you are helps you to build confidence and self-esteem something I seemed to lack over my life but people I have met seem to be able to help me build myself up.

Upon a serious matter #1

If I had known back, then what I know now I would never have gone with him but the simple fact is I didn’t know the information on this issue then. The; lack of information led me to twenty years of hell even though I tried to leave him four times in fact I left him but he always came back into my life and wormed his way back. To the point I had to move miles from where I have my family but it was the best move I have made. There are still areas I have to work to sorting out but I aim to get the old me back but much wiser than before.

The reason I am writing this now is that others need to know the signs of abuse. Perhaps I can help some one in the situation I was in, or stop people from getting into that situation in the first place. All too often abusers are extremely clever and able to manipulate the situation.

The collins English dictionary describes domestic abuse as physical or psychological abuse towards a member of the household according to the collins dictionary 1 in 5 women had experienced domestic abuse during their lives.

It also defines Domestic violence as violence that takes place in the home especially by one person against their partner.

Whereas Coercive Control is psychological and emotional intimidation as a form of controlling behaviour.

Womans aid describes Domestic Abuse as an incident or pattern of incidents of coercive control threatening behaviour, degrading behaviour and violent behaviour which includes sexual disorder by an ex partner or partner but a member of the family or carer can also perpetrate it.

Although the number of women talking out about this is higher than those of men, suffer by and perpetrated by both men and women. But still seen as a vastly gender based issue.

The categories for domestic abuse is Coercive control (intimidation, degradation, isolation, control with the threat of violence)

Psychological / Emotional abuse
Financial or economic abuse

Harassment and Stalking
Online or digital abuse

I often sit and think would I have spotted what the signs was? he wasn’t my first abusive partner but will be my last but the simple reason was no because I didn’t know what the signs was.

The signs of abuse as I learnt from a later date during my time in refuge.

Does your partner do any of the following?

Belittle you
Blame you for the abuse
Deny it is even happening
Isolate you from your family and friends
Stop you going to college or work
Make unreasonable demands for your attention
Accuse you of having affairs or flirting with people
Tell you what to wear, how to act, who to see, where to go, what to think

Control your money or not give you enough to cover the food or essentials

Threats and Intimidation

Threaten to hurt or kill you or the family
Do they Destroy your belongings?

Stand over you or get into your personal space
Threaten to kill themselves
Read your emails, text messages

do they follow or harass you?

Physical Abuse

do they slap or punch you?
have they pushed or shoved you
have they ever Bite or kicked you
burnt you
put you in choke holds or held you down
ever shot at you or thrown things at you

Sexual Abuse

Touched you while you was asleep
He/She ever touches you in ways you don’t want
Make unwanted sexual demands
hurt you during sex
pressurise you into having unsafe sex
pressurise you to have sex with them when you don’t want it

Coercive control

Coercive control or CC is an act or pattern of acts which are used to assault. Threaten, humiliate and intimidate the victim. But mainly the intent is to cause harm, punish or frighten their victims and make them reliant on the perpetrator.

By isolating you from support mechanisms and often this leads to exploitation, deprivation of independence and coercive control is now a recognised crime.

Isolation
Deprivation of food and other basic needs
monitoring your time
monitoring you via online communication
Taking control over aspects of daily life
Repeatedly putting you down (ie saying your worthless)

humiliation, degradation, dehumanisation
controlling your finances
Making threats and intimidation

Remember even if you are in a relationship any unwanted touch or sex is considered rape.

Taking a break

The past few days have been hectic which is why I have not posted any poems for a while but I fully intend to do this I have hit 74,000 words on the book I am writing. So right now I am focusing on finishing the book and reading as well as writing book reviews I have 50 + books to read and write reviews for.

I will be back