Halloween Night

The ghosts walk upon the cold eve wondering aimlessly through the night
while a witch stood over the cauldron casting spells and weaving magic
over the bonfires light which brightens up the night celebrating the harvest
when children dress in ghoulish costumes to give each other a fright
while seeking treats or playing jokes on unsuspecting neighbours
its truly a  time of frightful fun upon Halloween night.

Thank you for reading. 

Open letter from a dark place

 

 

 

I become ill recently with my mental health not seeing the future not seeing things other than the past I have I’ve been running knives up and down my arms I’m not someone who just cuts on worse times.  I’m in a state of flux right now my mood is rock bottom I can’t see anything for me I got one child who I love dearly she’s the reason i’m fighting so hard but I’m just so tired now.  Even though things improved for me over the last few months because a method of powering on not dealing with stuff just picking up with things to the best of my ability smile on my face no one knew I was so bad people call me an inspiration but while inside I hid my true feelings from everyone including my family plus the people I know.

I’ve been treading water so to speak for months my head went under a few times in the past month no one knows because I don’t talk bout it.   I’m not able to see the future for myself plus my child would be better without me.  People tell me its normal to depressed with the COPD – Asthma plus going through the abuse and stuff I went through with my ex one day they will permit me to go into detail until the investigation is over I don’t have the right.  So I kept silent over it to people the police told me I couldn’t discuss it with people didn’t even seek counselling but I told the refuge workers stuff id declared to the police.  But still I remained silent if I told people then it was a case of telling those who kept it in confidential confines.   My family still don’t know half of what I went through, but they will if it goes to court.

Between nightmares of what happened, nightmares of what he will do if he finds me & constant fear, hearing people talking bout me, hearing people tell me i’m hated within a church & the community but when I confront them their not plus voices, I don’t recognise as being people who live by me.   voices telling me i’m stupid, worthless, many other things the thought people would be better without me.  Plan after a plan of how I should die when I will do it even my funeral or rather cremation who should do the service.  Good-bye letter to my fourteen-year-old daughter.

 

I need help to recover from the hell I left in 2018. So I took myself off to the doctors yesterday needing help of some sort to get myself sorted I have been treading water for so long i’m just tired so tired i’m exhausted.   It’s often the case that some will arrange their affairs before doing it but some it is impulsive, I’ve heard stories from people I met especially an old friend of mine who ran a successful business he told me before his suicide attempt he organised his business affairs, visited each family member, talked to every doc he could, tied up loose ends, told his business partner he moved that his friend could now have solve control of the firm.

 

Put money into his kids’ accounts for university.  When you’re depressed you know yourself, something isn’t right you can’t see anything but darkness no future no exit but perhaps you can see the past. Even if you’re not the one seeing the effects of depression, you push people from you somehow trying to protect them from being hurt but in the long run you’re hurting them more.

People tell me suicide is for cowards I’m not one of those so I fight I might lose the fight but perhaps this will help you understand stuff.    I have fought various health problems since I was 9 months old from breathing problems through to hearing, psychological issues plus mental health I had a rough time in school to the point I pulled knives on the bullies first breakdown was in high school.

 

I’ve seen psychologists and psychiatrists over the years, CPNs. Mental health social workers.   Got off the meds then from the docs and everything else just like I did when I was younger by pushing stuff down not dealing with it than moving on with life working every day to make it better for me only to get to some point I can’t keep treading water. I can hear it now you have a child how can you think bout dying or killing yourself it’s not the case I don’t love her I do it’s because I too tired to fight my internal demon plus the external demon.

Suicide is not always an impulsive act I know I have done that before I’ve tried to kill myself frequently since I was 14 I’m now 40 I started to see when it is time to get help time to reach out to the doctors. I couldn’t see what the triggers were when I was younger but now I do perhaps better than others when I reach for the blade to run it along my arm or to make the cut, I give up things I enjoy such as voluntary work.

That’s when I think of perhaps my tiredness and emotional flatness is something more than normal bad day case.  It’s when I sit and plan how do I kill myself? What’s my funeral like?  I’m a fighter and everyone told me how inspirational I am and how well I am doing so I had to tell them yesterday i’m not doing so well I want to die.

I can’t fight this any longer I cannot keep treading the water like I used to I’m tired burnt out in every sense of the word. But knew there was one thing I had not tried, and that was reaching for help, having been under doctors and psych’s for years they are usually my last resort I don’t like the medication and then again I don’t enjoy talking to people about emotions when I barely recognise them myself.

I know i’m not the only mental health suffered who doesn’t recognise emotions and how they feel. So I talked to the doctor about my health explained what happened and how I feel he booked for me to see him there and then. for yesterday evening.  At the appointment we discussed things in more details and figured that it’s because I bottled it up and everything is seeping out slowly so he put me back on anti depressants and made a referral to the crisis team.

They phoned me not long after and assessed me gave me the number and told me I should contact other organisations. mind and women’s aid as the CT like the doctor and I agreed it could be issues from the abusive controlling relationship I was in for 20 years. but we still need to give the medication time to build in my system. To my mother last night I don’t enjoy feeling like this I can’t see anything for me but even mom said I got a lot to live for yet.

So here I am clinging to life by a thread but in some ways i’m still a thousand times better off than I was with my ex. even if I can’t see that right now perhaps one day I will realise again just how life can be.    As they said we need to see if the medication works and work on the other aspects that can cause it but if I need them, then they will be there on the end of the phone to talk to me. Having been under mental health services since a teenager, I can work out how to distract myself with distraction techniques and I know that eating can improve your mood and so can have showers.   Those I have told have said to me they did not understand they thought I was doing well and life was on track if you don’t talk about it then they won’t know as it’s easy to put a mask on and force yourself to do things that people who don’t have a mental illness can do without trouble. for you it takes greater effort.

But you can do it’s possible and you just have to slow down take each day as a new day and build on it from there. do something different every day even if it is just go for a walk, play a computer game, listen to music (just don’t listen to the smiths I find them to depressing). Do some house work, find something you used to enjoy, and do that you might rediscover a love for it.

By putting into practice stuff I learnt in the 1990s to 2017, I have some valuable tools from distraction techniques through to self care which I can try to help.  I know my main issue is i’m so damn tired of being strong or acting tough; it surprised me when I told people how I felt at their reactions and the amount of people who made contact to tell me i’m awesome and inspiration.  When I thought they would turn their backs and think i’m crazy they have offered to come and see me, offered to phone me or text to make sure i’m  O K.

My mother told me yesterday we’ve been there don’t want to go back to that just get all the help you can and get yourself through this.

If you’re going through this, I would ask you now to get in touch with the medics and ask for help.    You know they hand nothing to you unless you ask for it and you might have to fight for the help. You might have to scream and shout even sometimes throw a tantrum till get what you need.  Don’t let anyone tell you it’s stupid to feel the way you never think your stupid for feeling this way. 

I learnt how to push things to one side the only thing is I’ve not learnt how to do it one hundred percent of the time I always get tired and drained of energy as if something’s sucking the life out of me and eventually find I’ve got no energy left to fight.   But there’s help there, and that’s what I will reach for the medics are on my side and so is the housing, the crisis team is as well and hopefully so will mind and women’s aid be on my side.  Acquaintances and friends are on my side so I know I have people to turn to when I need them.   

if you know someone who is at this stage try to talk to them tell them its okay to feel this low  and there is hope and help out there.  It’s not a one way street  or even tunnel in some cases  either i see this as an ocean and I have to tread water or I see it as a wood I need to find my way out of, But other people may see it as a tunnel or a pit. Different people explain it different. 

Turning of the seasons

 

As summer turns to autumn I feel blessed even in my time of darkness
I am breathing and therefore alive  as I feel the wind on my face
As I stand here listening to the wind and the rain outside I cant help but to smile
With the clashing of the thunder I am the wealthiest person alive I am happy,
as the child’s laughter ignites some deep hidden part of me raising a smile
I declare I am the happiest person alive A new born baby’s cries  reminds me how lucky we are  and the summer turns to Autumn  I’m reminded the natural order and how everything changes is natures way.
With the turning of seasons comes its own joys and fun for both old and young
the children trick or treating while the adult enjoy the Halloween parties,
All enjoying themselves before the bleak winter months are upon us,
as new excitement overcomes the land when we look to Christmas
a time of giving and celebrating makes me realise how lucky I am to be alive
with Christmas dinner on the table and presents around the tree surrounded by my family.

With each turn of the season I can’t help but to smile,
I am richer than many of the rich for money wont bring the one thing we all crave,
The one thing money can not buy  the special thing we need to feel complete happiness,
As the plnts begin to grow I’m reminded of the natural order of rebirth and feel safe.

Where I am now (personal #5)

Thank you for liking the last post, Wednesday I got my benefits and went to the hospital for the chest x-ray the results of which will be through in 3 – 5 days with the gp.    Yesterday (Friday 6th) on the off chance they were back early I phone the doctors, so I got the results my chest is clear of anything more serious, there’re no signs of chest infections or heart problems no signs of pulmonary fibrosis it was clear.

That made me happy to hear the chest was clear but back to reality I still have COPD-Asthma that’s ok I got my head around that fact and started to learn about the condition of COPD. I know the prognosis from what I read of COPD-Asthma is poor considering the one for COPD but I don’t have time to dwell on the possibles.  I could be dead in five, ten, fifteen, twenty or even forty years. I’m aiming on seeing some of my dreams come true and to collect my pension, my daughter pass her exams even being a grandparent before I die. Every one tells me your young to have this condition your only 40 which means the signs would have been there two years if not longer so before my great escape from the toxic relationship.

wednesday my diet changed for good I went from completely dairy products to natural plant based alternatives hemp milk, rice and coconut milk, almond milk, oat milk then I bought more fruit than I have ever before, low fat and some dairy free yogurts, cheese and salad stuff, muesli and a bag of mixed nuts and lots of flavoured water.  I know I need to lose weight which would help with my breathing I think im trying to boost my system the only ways I know.  I know little about this condition now I now it is this COPD they will refer me to somewhere, that could help me with a diet better than I can help myself.

When I got home and was talking to one of my friends about it a neighbours mom walked past me and told me straight “you’ve not got that you’re just lazy!”.  I wish that was the case sometimes it takes everything out of me just to breathe but life goes on so I do courses and voluntary work to give myself a good reputation with in work.

I tried going to the community centre but because of lack of funds there’s not much point, I was part of a local volunteers group but then found voluntary work on a Friday.   Now I have voluntary work on Tuesdays and Fridays so im more trying to get active within the community.   As I have tried to sort out my diet buying in the healthy food and signing up to Halland and Barratt Where I brought some of my produce. I then researched a support group which there’s one on a Friday afternoon from 2 -4pm which I think is important for me to attend so I will drop a shift at the CIAS office but something like this means I can see how others live with it and pick up tips. And now I’m not on my own who knows there might be people my age there it is a chance to meet and learn about the condition.  Which I think is important for me to do given the fact it’s something I will have to learn to live with.

This condition  COPD is limiting the walking I do.  Even doing house work I am out of breath,  I opt to go to the shop next door not because im lazy but because it is easier for me to walk this.  I think my next step once im settled on the diet I have set myself is to start a daily walk to the library is about 10 to 15 minutes from here sit on the bench and walk back.  I could even walk down there to get the bus into town and push myself that little extra again instead of going for the easy option of the bus directly outside my block of flats. As I told a friend of mine it is my health, I can’t fuck around with it every little positive step I make to improving my life and changes the way things go so that little further distance will help.  For the record I do not smoke this was caused by 20 years passive smoking.  I’ve not given up on my writing .

When I told mum bout, my health even she told me “your healths crap” id never heard her talk that way usually she’s telling me off for saying stuff like that so I was trying to find a politically correct non swear word to tell her she makes me laugh by telling me straight.  But Ive not told her it’s something that might kill me if it’s not got a grip of it is treatable but not curable.   But I think I will live for a long time not going to let it beat me I’m made of tougher stuff than that, little life-style changes here and there I will be on track.  Besides, there’s too much for me to do in life too many plans for me to make happen too much of the world I am yet to see before I go to the eternal sleep

.thank you for reading.

COPD

Life & Writing (Personal #4)

Well, my last piece seemed to be something that stirred the pot thanks for the likes on that post I am trying to work my way out of the rut and into my good books trust me it is always hard to please yourself when you have a task at hand.  You are the hardest one to impress ad if you have children then so are they. It’s never something that’s done overnight and something achieved.  Many years ago I wanted to form my company as a sideline from the writing selling different items from tarot cards through to books the one thing I find lets me down from doing that now is the fact I don’t have the money.  These last twenty years I have seen the ecommerce section blossom but the main brick and mortar business’s have folded I find this is a shame I think everyone enjoys going to a shop and looking at the goods.
 Have you ever been to a furniture shop and put your hand on the sofa? to check the quality of the merchandise before buying it?  ever walked into a clothes shop and tried the merch on for yourselves? think about how the clothes and furniture felt that is something you would never get from an ecommerce  computers might give a virtual sense of what something would look like  but they can’t tell you if something comfortable or not or if you feel the way you want to feel in an item of clothing or if you’re comfortable on say a sofa.   Only by trying it on will it ever let you know what you may think or even feel about a certain object.
I can sit and write out a chapbook of poetry with in a matter of hours fifty poems free verse when I get the right frame of mind.  Inspiration is everywhere around us from television and films to music down to the woods and trees, the animals the freedom you sense when being released from something like I went through, just walking in the streets can help bring some inspiration into someone’s life.  I’m fed up of being let down and hurt by people who call themselves friends but always hold motives of their own. I just need to focus and refocus on what I wanted to do many years ago I mean I hit rock bottom and the only way is up I can not drop any lower than I had before.  Let’s face it I won’t walk out to an interview and get the first job I go for I’ve been out of it for twenty years but I will always have the voluntary work.

I did the breathing test yesterday a few slow breaths into the device and some fast ones turns out I have (COPD) chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder overlapping severe asthma. I kind of expected the COPD but not the double wham-my of both.  Now I’m left thinking what do I do about it?

So last night I took to research everything I could about the condition while I am to go for a chest x-ray in the morning at the local hospital.  If I can afford it, I will stop to have something to eat and bring something back for me to have for lunch as I’m now from what I read going to change everything about my life eating habits and exercise.   The nurse has requested the x-ray so we can rule everything out so it is just this one issue we hope. She is also referring me to a local rehabilitation centre for treatment and assessment.  It’s one hell of a lasting reminder of my time with my ex but still I won’t let it beat me and will continue doing what I need to get my life back on track.   I don’t mind saying that I am scared I’ve heard how debilitating  and how much of a death sentence this condition can be.

But I also know that it can they can treat it and managed not cured but life goes on I am walking and talking therefore I shall fight on.

Work, Life & Education (Personal #3)

 

Many years ago I trained in administration things was good and it was a role which I enjoyed. Cias or Coventry Independent advice service is a good company to be with and they do a lot of good work. It is very much like the Citizens Advice Bureau but they seem to focus more on benefits than anything else. If they can’t help, then they will refer clients to another organisation. I know that I still have to do the phones which I did once and seemed to go ok with that then but recently lost my confidence and I seemed to freeze up when the phones ring even at home.
But that’s okay seems like something I can do but the rest of the office work is fine.  Recently I put on advice pro the proper version and creating the letters. This is a far cry from what I used to over 20 years ago its simple clicks of the button and fill in a few details and my letter’s done.  Whereas I wrote 20 years ago or put it on a dicta phone and then write the letter.  Is this advice pro system industry wide now?
I moved here for a new start I know what the end aim for me is and tell you the truth I don’t care what employment I have to get my foot on the ladder.
I could clean toilets I wouldn’t be happy but hey it’s a job and pays the bills but that would not be my end aim but I would have my foot on the ladder to work. once the door is open, then I know I can move up the ladder and do what I want it, the main thing is getting into the position Where I can do this.  when I was younger the  whole object of a cv was to list the work you have done and the positions you have held and sell yourself to an employer?   This is now still the case but you have to put up your skills so when you look at the jobs you have done and the training you have done then need to work out the basic yet essential skills you got and your can’t list them all.  My difficulty is narrowing it all down to just the few essentials which might make you stand out.
So for me someone who has experience in marketing and business administration skills, handling money, dealing with debts, negotiations with various firms because of debts and different aspects of the benefit system. And talking to M. Ps (members of parliament), Lawyers and various officials for various reasons. Even though I was in that situation for twenty years if I think about it I came out stronger, determined and more resilient than I went in before all skills we use in our everyday working lives but stuff we can’t put down on a Curriculum Vitae or Resume.   Now writing this blog gives me skills that might come in handy with in a business environment from proofreading through to editing, blog promotion is marketing and research, there are many factors now.
But will they will need these in an office environment?  Then you have the fact I’m limited because of stupid governmental rules on benefits anyone claims the benefit I have received can only partake in any job search activity for 16 hours per week. Anything over that and you lose benefit in fact they take it from you so even if I was to find a part-time voluntary position then I can not do any other job search or attend any programs like the one I am on.  But if I am to find a part-time job paid job for 16 hours, then I can earn up to 150.00 nothing more but still no further job hunts as im still on the same benefits.   Surely they should support people into work and not restricting their chances.   Universal credit is in the city im living in but only for those who are not sick and disabled, universal credit gives you the ability to partake in job hunting for 35 hours a week and giving you more money to live on that what I receive every two weeks.
I know it is because im sick that I get this money and yes it is taxed, but have to thank every taxpayer in the united kingdom for helping me.  You see sometimes people on benefit get a bad name or reputation from others you see in the street not everyone is a drug addict or an alcoholic. Not everyone has a dirty house or wastes money gambling.   I get 128 every two weeks from this I have to pay bills and food sometimes i don’t have food but having used the food bank twice im trying not to use it again.  Once i have made sure I have money for bills and food, I ensure I have money for transport and if I have a little left; I donate this to charity I have found an American charity i used to donate to sometime ago. even if it is $2.00 then it is something.  It’s something that makes me feel better about who I am and where my life has gone,  I remember being a little kid and looking into stocks and shares and how I could sponsor children in other countries not once did i think it would turn out as it has.

 

 

I was in with my connect me worker a few days ago this is a lady who works for an organisation designed to help people back into work.  She told me not to do anything that makes people think im a victim because to her im not im out there regaining control of my life, proving im a survivor and not a victim.  Talking about survivors I recently watched season 3 of 13 reasons I don’t know if you have seen it but it is one hell of a powerful show.  A show with many good actors and actresses play very difficult characters and one which even at the end i was saying im a survivor because I am and the help is there if wanted. Im kind of the person who goes yeah I’ve been through hell ad back but heck life goes on and just ploughs ahead until i collapse.  Life is for the living and i can rest when im dead joining the biggest sleep over ever.

 

Anyway, I have recently increased my working hours to one full day (6 hours) on the Friday and one morning (2hours 30 mins)  at the drop in over the other side of the city.  I am also looking at the possibility of working another side of the city for 2 hours and 30  in the drop in. Hopefully this would be enough to not only clock up the experience but also get a reference.  I have done a Curriculum vitae known in America as a resume but I have tried to cut out all the jobs before the year 2000 because of the connections they bore to my old home town.   This city is a city of sanctuary and new starts for me that’s the reason I will write none of my books under my real name. In fact I have often toyed with the legally changing my name but once you realise that your birth name will always be on record there’s not much point.

 

List of current certificate 

IHASCO
GDPR

Health & safety basics and essentials

Open Learn – Open university
Open learn is a free site by open university

An introduction to business cultures (Introductory level Business Strategy & Studies course)

Different types of Business  (Introductory level Business Strategy & Studies course)

Business organisations and their environments : Culture  (Intermediate level Business Strategy & Studies course)

Introducing Corporate Finance    (Introductory level Social Care & Social Work course)

Building relationships with Donors (Advanced level Business Strategy & Studies course)

Managing my Money (Introductory level Money & Business course)

You and your money (Introductory level Personal Finance course)

Introduction to child psychology (Introductory level Childhood & Youth course)

Starting with Psychology  (Introductory level Psychology course)

Emotions and Emotional wellbeing (Intermediate level Health course)

Forensic Psychology (Introductory level Health, Sports & Psychology course)

Homelessness and need (Intermediate level Social Care & Social Work course)

Introduction to Social work (Introductory level Social Care & Social Work course)

English Grammar in context (Advanced level Education course)

School business manager : Developing the role (Introductory level Education & Development course)

The use of force in international law (Advanced level Society, Politics & Law course)

Using voluntary work to get ahead in the job market (Introductory level Human Resources course)

work and mental health (Intermediate level Health course)

the role of diagnosis in counselling and psychotherapy (Introductory level Sociology course

social marketing (Advanced level Business Strategy & Studies course)

introduction to book-keeping (Introductory level Money & Business course)

 

Accenture 
Digital skills Digital Marketing
Digital skills Social Media

Blogging, Writing & Spirometer, (personal #2)

Hey,

I decided it’s time to come back or at least attempt to come back I know I have been away for a while but life away from the blog has become busy.  I am now looking into finding paid worker after 20 years of being out of the work this is healthy permitting. The doctors and asthma nurse are talking about referring me to the hospital as my asthma is severely uncontrolled.  I knew for a while my breathing had been bad but yesterday when I took a few steps from the scale to the chair I found I was out of breath.  This was a shock to me as I live in a block of flats so have to take the stairs regularly and have to walk everywhere unless I am going into town then its public transport.

Perhaps moving to the city and a rich one will do me some good, in two week’s time im doing a  spirometer, SpirometryI believe that’s what it’s called.  It’s a graphic record of respiratory movements traced on a revolving drum according to the mirriam-webster medical dictionary.  It is something which fills me with dread in some ways just in case it shows how bad my chest is but in others I know that I can then move on and perhaps find a new way to improve my breathing once this they do this then it’s a referral to the hospital.  I think the last time I got referred to the hospital it was back in the 90s after having a major asthma attack.

Other than this I focused my attention on rebuilding the life I have left so I started to do free courses on Open Learn for those of you who don’t know these are by the open university.  These are short courses they will give some lasting two hours others a few weeks at the end of the courses ever throughout your tests upon the subject and at the end a statement of participation to prove you have done the course.  I can’t afford to go to university and so this is the only way I can get some qualification which at the end might give me a chance to get back into the work environment.  I hold several certificates and while I feel proud of myself for achieving these; I know that some employers will say that they are not worth the paper I have printed them on.  So I’m looking for a position such as an apprentice in an office-based environment such as an administrator or receptionist but a position with training.

I volunteer with a charity in such position and it felt good to be back in the office again after 20 years of being out of the work and stuck in. Sure I still have many issues to over come left from my time in the relationship but life is picking up.  I can now focus on doing what I should have done 20 years ago and in an area where I don’t know many people there’s not much to worry about. Everything I put out on my blog has to go through an edit on pro writer before I put it up on my blog. Just like the books I am working on will have to go through a general basic edit with me and I might ask a teacher friend to go through it.  then run it through a professional edit I know mainly the firm I would like to used to publish my books but often think if I should use Fiverr to edit my work and format it so I can sell it through LULU sold and how much do you really need to edit poetry?

Some people I have asked this to have told me not to edit it others have told me just once through on pro write if you edit poetry too much it distracts from the power and emotion of the poet which poetry and stories infused with.  But one thing I do not want to say is that I am writing and publishing without people knowing which I have done before none of those books are up on the sites anymore when I moved it is a fresh start doesn’t mean I have to give up on my dreams.  Someone once told me never to stop writing because to them I was good at it and it was what I enjoyed doing then he told me that to give up would let my ex win.

Legally im not allowed to mention what he did till the case has finished being investigated but that’s why I am writing a book based on it. One day published and put out for everyone to read names and places changed because of legalities of writing such a book and the fact that enjoy changing my name I do not wish to have my locations given out to the wrong people.  But someone has told me frequently that my story would help others.  One person told me I had ticked every box in the information she had and asked how I survived the simple answer was I almost didn’t but that was then and I opt not to think about it much obviously I now have health issues because of the abuse I went through.  no matter what happens life  goes on now it’s my turn not to look for love but do what my original plan was to get a job and work through investments and get my work published. Sure I might be twenty years behind schedule but I have learnt to cherish every moment I am given and know after what has happened I can focus on building something that I will leave for my child.
Even though I have a selection of short stories and novellas and novels planned and being wrote as I type this poetry books are planning in the back of my mind.  I guess this would be a good way of bringing in a little money before I finish the main novels.  As I tell people I am a work in progress discovering new foods or things, I’ve not had in years because he wouldn’t let me. The power of having people who believe in you is really a brilliant thing to have because it helps you build who you are helps you to build confidence and self-esteem something I seemed to lack over my life but people I have met seem to be able to help me build myself up.